New directions

I have just started as an Avon Sales Rep. I have been considering it for many years but did nothing about it. A friend is my Sales Leader and encouraged me to join. I am glad I did it as my first order has been quite profitable. I have also bought a few things, not too much though.

I had a flu jab this week, it was the first time I had had one of these. I must remember to get one every winter as last winter I was so ill. Caring is impossible when you become ill and invariably you make yourself worse whilst trying to cope.

The group I am working with is having a lot of extra meetings lately. Today I met with someone from Barnardos who wants us to help feed back at his meetings about the Parenting Strategy. Sounds good in principle and he has agreed to include something we asked for on the agenda with a view to running a training course on it in the town. Having a voice and representing others is a good thing.

Telling times

On Friday we had some news about V, she is on the ASD spectrum. We were expecting it but I feel quite indifferent to the diagnosis. For a long time I have suspected that she was autistic although on the higher part of the spectrum. I still have issues how it has been received by family members who think all is well with her. It certainly is not and this proves it. I am a bit tired of explaining how it affects her and feel quite annoyed at the lack of understanding this brings. The denial that anything is wrong hurts when there is clearly so much wrong with her. I am a realist and do not have difficulty in accepting ideas and beliefs.

I have had my weekend of respite which was restful despite it being out of my comfort zone, spending a weekend with virtual strangers who became friends. I had the rest and relaxation I needed despite feeling quite ill with some sort of flu thing. I will look back at the weekend with fond memories.

I am trying to get myself "together" and will visit Doctor on Wednesday and will assert myself for the referrals I believe I need. At the weekend I had a consultation with a Doctor who did a bit of an MOT on me and has suggested that I follow up a few things.

Coming back home to things my heart sank but it rose when I was greeted by my children. I was showered with love and cuddles for a good hour, I was so blessed to have this display of my dear little ones.

Today I attended assertiveness training as part of a Carers course at Quakers meeting house. It was interesting. I met a very nice older gentleman who was a carer for his wife for many years until she died recently. He explained that a friend of his had had a dream of her being carried into heaven by the angels. He said it gave him great comfort. I was so touched by his hope and vision that I almost cried. I know I have been moved by the spirit this weekend and it has deepened my faith in God a little. Sometimes we get lost along the way and we need something to help us stabilise and understand our foundation. The dream kept this man's faith alive in him and helped to strengthen him. All the burdens God gives us are to test our resolve, he keeps his promises if we keep his. I felt strong when I was having V as I know God would never give me something I could not cope with, he has faith in me like I should have in him.

I still seek the Church to call my own but to me Faith is more important that where you worship. I do dread going there because of behavioural issues both children have and I should not feel like that. Time will tell what happens and where I will end up.
Such telling times.

Changes - (One Step, Two Steps....)

There have been many changes in my life recently.
MIL has come to stay which has enabled me to get on with more pressing things and the children really love having her to stay (despite having to put up with the dreaded daytime soaps/gameshows and less cbeebies).
I have decided that I want to change nurseries for V, as the one attached to the childrens centre has more structure which is what she needs. She is able to sit and focus on an activity and has less moments of flitting from place to place. My only worry is that this change will affect her behaviour. Next year once we get the statement she should have a 1 to 1, but I do not know if she will be entitled to one now. I will be speaking to the teacher at the nursery tomorrow hopefully. The childrens centre Manager said that it might be the right time for her to move on, it is still attached to the centre, and on the days I have my meetings she will still go there, perhaps 2-3 times a month.
I am on the job hunt, something for 2-3 days a week. S's hours at nursery have increased so I have more time to jobhunt, but it is quite difficult to find challenging part-time work. "I" said that I should not sell myself short by working in the local supermarket! I will not rule anything out...!!!
I have called 3 schools for an appointment and they were all unavailable to commit to a day for us to view. We do not want to view with other parents which I think is fair enough. It seems like this may go into next term.
Also I need to get S's name down for nursery for next year, and this will no doubt end up starting in Jan 2011.
My eye is a problem again and I have got a repeat prescription. The famous knee also went this weekend after extensive walking and everytime I twist it I am in agony. I want putting down....
On Wednesday we (the parents group) are off to all the local parks, to see how the money has been spent and how much they have ignored the needs of disabled children. I am looking forward to it. They have another 20 parks to be redesigned that we hope to have some influence in or else!
I also requested tickets late for a womens empowerment day, so the lady said I can put you on the mailing list for next year, now that is not at all helpful, am I to spend a whole year not being empowered? Ridiculous. Sure they are only fully booked because they have a free buffet anyway! I must add that is not the reason I was going of course...lol
Other small changes, finally separated from the children, they have own room, and so do "I" and I. MIL also has own room, so no unnecessary sharing thank-you very much. Now all we need is the rest of the house to take shape and I will be most happy.
"I" is looking into the option of changing working hours, so that would also help a lot of matters in our lifestyle, and would benefit the kids as well.

S has become terrified of an advert for Grandpa in my pocket - the character Great Aunt Loretta is an occasional visitor, but when he sees her he sobs tries to hurdle the stairgate and shakes for 20 minutes. You cannot pre-empt when the ad comes on, so I quickly turn it off and try and calm him down. His behaviour is becoming difficult, but not sure if that has anything to do with the recent changes at home, and the fact he is 2 next week. I cannot believe that time has gone so quickly. I still remember so clearly when he arrived and how content I felt to have a "normal" baby without anything wrong to be able to hold him without worrying about his every breath, holding his head and knowing everything was fine. Not worrying when he did not drink/pee/pooh! Oh the bliss. I think the joy of parenting was taken away when I had V, there was so much uncertainty about her breathing at birth. When S came along I had moments of real joy knowing this is what I missed dreadfully with V. Such different memories, but the only thing they had in common was that they were both so wanted.

I am trying to organise a school reunion for my dearest old friends from school, we have all taken such different paths and I will enjoy seeing our differences, and how we ever became friends at school.
I am also trying to get away for the weekend for much needed respite from everything. I want to recharge my batteries as they seem pretty low and when they are low I get colds that last the whole autumn/winter.

Where there is a will there is a way...

Camping has been and gone it seems a lifetime away.
I was glad of the break and felt surprisingly rested on return. I was even glad to be home despite everything.

It was very nice to meet a lot of people, see their children, hear their stories and above all have a understanding of each others anxieties, joys and worries.
I have learnt a lot also.

The tent was lovely, a sunncamp prism 8 very spacious for us all and quite eye-catching. It really blocked out the light in the bedrooms as well being black.

V loved the relative freedom and S escaped from the tent several times, and twice unnoticed first thing in the morning when "I" was in the shower and I was asleep!!!
Derbyshire was nicer than I was expecting and there is a lot to do, so know that next time will ensure I get to see the other bits I missed. Strangely enough we kept ending up in Nottinghamshire by accident mainly. I really liked Bolsover Castle - The Little Castle, fascinating. Very difficult getting V around it without her screaming and running away. She hates being moved from a to b. Thank God it wasn't a guided tour and we had to go at certain times/ways that would have been a nightmare.

Back to home life and back to nusery.
V was excited to be back today (although I made a mistake and booked her in last Thursday! that won't be funded)
Fridays she is having a Multi-disciplinary Assessment (for Autism), the first one last Friday was full of boys, mostly non-verbal and all you could hear was V chatting at the top of voice for 1 hour solid. It is something she does when nervous, gets louder, starts talking more nonsense and repetitively. Hope she settles down. Glad they saw a negative side of her behaviour as when it was time to go she had a meltdown/tantrum whatever you wish to call it. I was glad this was going to be on record.
I do think she has some real issues with her sensory perceptions. I do feel clueless what to do to help her. Mostly now I ignore them as if I dwell on them too much can make it worse.

The funday at the special needs school went well and all had a good time. I was there helping, so "I" managed the two of them on his own, despite both running in different directions, it was a relatively safe environment. I also invited his old school friend whose daughter also has a learning difficulty so they were both there to grab them when they went too far.

I am hoping September brings better things for me personally. I feel adrift in many areas of my life and want to be back on track. We also have a long stay visitor coming at the end of the month and trying to clear a space for her is proving difficult with the accumulation of this families stuff and a house renovation gone terribly wrong. She is a much wanted visitor, my mother in law who I have really missed having around. I was living with her up until last May for 20 months, so have grown pretty close. Father in law will arrive later in the year, and both will stay no doubt until the new year, but we do not know how long they will be staying for. I just want everything to be right for them, so they can have a stress-free visit.
Also looking at ways to help me get through this all and will hopefully sign up with Flylady. For the past few weeks, each time I have gone to the local shop, I have bagged up some stuff and given it to the charity shop. Flylady has a 27 fling thing boogie (may have got that wrong) pick up 27 things to chuck, and then bag 27 things and give away. That charity shop will now be overwhelmed with my old junk and freecycle as well.

Where there is a will there is a way...

Preparing, planning and panicking!

The 3 p's for getting ready for a holiday.
We are only going camping, but there are so many things to remember, and of course, not just for me only....the two little people and the other big 1.
I have had fun making lists, and going through all the essentials, and then buying things on a whim cos they look good. Typical...
The tent is a sunncamp prism which we partially erected in the garden, so I am quite happy with it. Provided it does not rain whilst putting it up, or the kids don't try and tamper with it. Campsites need to provide a holding area for kids whilst parents are putting up tents, you can't expect 2 under 4's to HELP. I know Derbyshire is only just over 2 hours away, not as far as I was thinking. People keep asking me is it near the lakes, I think not, in fact I do not know what is there!
Hire car arrives tonight and I am keeping everything crossed they accept my drivers licence that has the wrong name, and wrong address on it. Deep breath. Otherwise there is no way of getting there. Walking/Public transport is not an option. The ka is too small to transport all the stuff we need to travel with.
I just hope when I get there I can relax properly and start to enjoy myself.
I am trying to think positively about everything.

Positive thoughts, I will go and finish packing now.

Giving, Making and Creating.

Yesterday I tried my hand at making some money at a nearly new clothes sale over in Binfield. What a waste of time that was! It was fun doing it with my friend, but really hardly anyone turned up. So glad I did not pay to do that.
Today had GX Church picnic, nice to see old faces and meet the new minister. Long haired with guitar rather hippy like but cheerful enough. He looks quite radical, but sounds like what the church needs.
In the week I gave a bit of stuff away on Freecycle, I felt so good doing it seeing the joy on the peoples faces. That was satisfying.
I experienced Parchment in the craft class which was quite challenging as sitting down for 2 hours and concentrating on something rarely happens. Also drawing is something I have not done since school. After 2 hours it is still work in progress!!!!!!
Friday there was a fancy dress party (Noahs Ark theme) at the playgroup, so I decided to take V out of nursery and send her and S to it with "I" as it was his day off and I thought it would be great bonding time. I made my children into bees. V wore an old outfit of mine, a black and yellow chiffon skirt with ruffles, and halter neck top. I managed to borrow a roll of hazard tape from the local charity shop and cut out black bits to stick onto the skirt to create the bees stripes. S wore black trousers, and the yellow bits formed stripes on that, and the black membrane from the garden was his top and I transformed that also.
I really enjoy projects like this.
Whilst the kids were busy with Daddy I was at an ASD meeting learning how to make a visual timetable, so created one of those also. It was definitely worth my while going.
I tried my hand at making some money through advertising the pushchair and highchair but no joy as yet. My friend and I have decided to do a couple of car boots this year to try and get rid of these things. I guess people don't have a great deal of money at the mo so getting shot of stuff quickly is hard unless you give it all away.
I am enjoying my creativity this week, but am conscious that I want to start making money seeing as last week I made a small amount.

An unusually busy day

Had a 5 hour meeting at the council offices today in relation to the parent participation project I am working on. We discussed the groups finances and how we will spend the 10k in the next 9 months. I also learnt about SPICE on ice for children with special needs, and no doubt will be taking V there when she turns 4. Hopefully they will have someone to help her as I cannot ice skate. I can't bear it. Great thing for her to do. Heard that my local rink are looking for a team of special needs children to go to Canada next year for a tournament. Apparently there is only one other such group in London that does skating for special needs, so we are quite lucky having this facility right on our doorstep.
Then I went to a market research evening for feminax tablets, it was quite fun and a good way to make money for your opinions. I earnt £35.00 that is the first bit of money I have "earnt" since 2006. Very odd! Interesting group of people, 2 single mums, 1 newly unemployed girl, 1 part-time worker, and 1 hr person from honda. 6 including me. Hopefully I can do more of these as and when they come through. I really enjoyed pulling these ads to pieces, did not realise how much my media degree made me so critical of ideas and concepts! Perhaps I should have gone into advertising, I have always been more of an ideas person and that is why I enjoyed the drama side of the degree more. After doing that degree for 3 years, I never really enjoyed watching films again. I rarely go the cinema these days, as nothing seems of real interest to me. I have seen 1 film this year on the tv, "An Unfinished Life", which despite having Jennifer Lopez in it, was a good film, well written, and well directed. I never seem to want to watch a film, or I catch it half way through, and then there is no point.
Then I went over to a craft evening (average age 65) where I made 4 envelopes and used the scraps of paper to make cards to go with them. Such escapism from my day to day life, and nice to hear them all moaning about their grandchildren!
Children were at nursery from 9-3 and S did not have a nap, when he got home he was so grisly. "I" had the pleasure of looking after his children for the evening. When I got in at 10pm S was crying, "I" fast asleep so did not hear him, S had a wet bum.
Just changed to size 5 huggies seem massive to me the 4+ were making marks around S's legs. He does have very chunky legs, I do love squeezing them!
V made me laugh this evening, "Oh mummys doing her lips, thats nice" she rarely sees me putting on make-up in front of her!
Tomorrow being ripped off again for a retest MOT. £48 last Friday for an MOT that failed, then £80 on Wednesday for 1 shock absorber, and so tomorrows retest will be £28. So the money I earnt is already accounted for. Such a shame, wanted to put it towards the camping trip.
Never mind.
Trying to get rid of some stuff on freecycle but the person did not turn up, not a good start.

July already

I cannot believe it is July already, I feel bad that I have not blogged since June. So much has happened. We have lost a cousin who was 39 and passed away in her sleep. I told "I" how much I liked her, and he said that she really liked me. I felt sad that I did not get to know her well enough, but I had only seen her a few times in Anguilla, and at brother in laws wedding in Trinidad. Mother in law described how her best friend was standing over her, shaking her saying "wake up T"because she looked like she was peacefully sleeping. Death is so hard for all concerned. I worry for "I" as he takes each death in the family so badly. Life is so precious.
When MJ died I felt sad and watching his memorial 12 days on showed how much he was loved. How do we cope when they are gone, their memory lingers on and you can feel their presence around you. I often feel my maternal grandmother near me. I have felt and smelt her presence when driving once, I felt loved and reassured she was near me. I strongly believe in the afterlife, my faith competes sometimes with the psychic forces I feel inside me. A medium once told me that I had healing hands (and that gift had been passed on from my mothers side going back to GGrandma), but I have chosen not to follow this road.

The road I am on is sometimes a rocky one, but held firmly in my grasp is the Lord. I don't say it much, and don't often make it to Church but he is always there for me.

V's hole in her head has closed some more since the neurosurgeon said it was closing. If that is not a miracle then I don't know what is! We have been told she has GDD (Global Development Delay) and Disordered Language Development. It has come as a shock for us, as things seemed to be going so well, but I guess these things are on paper only. In reality V is V and not what her diagnosis is, sure the diagnosis can go some way to explaining her "differences" but it is an opinion only based on medical examinations, once a year or twice yearly are not nearly enough to understand the truth about her and how she operates. We are also having a referral to clinical psychologist, occupational therapy, autism assessment unit, and social services. I have received no respite for her, and feel it is time that some was given. I hope I am not opening up a can of worms with all this. Getting everyone involved can only help her in the long term. I still have hope for the future for her.

June Already

June is here. Life is passing by so quickly. Been very active with the children lately, so my knee is on the mend (I hope).
Also been to an Anguilla Day celebration where I was practically running after S all the time. A nice day out, but could not relax as there were so many people and could not see the children all the time which always makes me panic.

Speech and language began again today for V and she found it hard to concentrate and sit. Hopefully over the next few weeks she will grasp the routine again.
Last night went to a yummy mummy night organised by my friend who is a member of Downs Syndrome Assoc, and the other charity the money went to was Rosies Rainbow. I meet Carolyn, the mother of Rosie who died a few years ago. The charity provides music therapy for children at John Radcliffe, Oxford and also in Thame.
I have been on the hunt for a music therapist for a few months now so will be calling them tomorrow to discuss this for V. It is amazing that this kind of service exists. I plan to use it. The SALT lady is hoping to get a practitioner from Nordolf Robbins along to advise us on strategies to communicate with V. She suggested that we don't have 2 music therapists working with her at one time. I may try and get V enrolled on a course in September with RR people in Thame. It is hard finding suitable therapies for her because she is so vocal but I want it to help her anxiety and communication which can sometimes be patchy.

We ended up eating out tonight as we went to Ascot to visit a friend in hospital.
Piccolino has great food and a nice relaxed atmosphere although no kids menu, was pretty kid-friendly. It makes all the difference to find somewhere like that. S was wondering around making friends with the diners on the terrace giving them high-fives, never seen him so sociable! He is changing loads and is getting sweeter every day despite his bogeys!!!! V was in the mood for eating they shared spicy sausage arrabiata pasta, she ate virtually all of hers and S's. This is highly unusual for her to eat so much, maybe she is having a growing spurt or trying to tell me she does not like my cooking....

It was also nice to catch up with my parents this week who are making a visit to friends and family in the area.

Lastly I was saddened to hear of the news of the couple who commited suicide at Beachy Head with their son who had died previously. They are in my prayers tonight.

The only way is UP?

I am on the mend. Been hobbling around for days but knee is getting stronger. Taking less pain relief for this.
Despite the fall, cutting my finger on a drawer handle, and the fridge door trapping my other finger nothing else bad could happen. I caused a mirror to drop from a windowsill (by accident) and unbelievably it stayed in tact. Maybe my luck is changing. I can but hope.
In the week I got a call to say I had won a holiday (obviously there were strings attached) but I am not going to follow up on this as it will involve a lot of harrassment from the company concerned so much so that I doubt I will enjoy it.
I may even start playing the lottery again, I have not done this since it first started. I am furiously entering competitions at the moment. A few years ago I had a winning spell of pretty minor things but it was fun receiving things through the post.

Went to Camp Mohawk for their open day. A very enjoyable day it was V&S did not want it to end. The weather was perfect for swimming, ice cream eating and watching the puppet & clown shows. Shame there was not enough time to watch the animals, turtles, shetland ponies. S managed to stroke an owl called Jagger and was very fascinated by this strange creature. The next day he pointed to one in a book and I am sure he said owl. He is starting to talk an awful lot more, he is saying No, Door very clearly now. I am still concerned about his molar tooth that is coming through but it has what looks like an abcess on the side. I will try and get an appointment with the dentist on tuesday just to check it out it just looks very odd to me.

Down down and down we go

On tuesday I had an accident. I fell down the stairs whilst holding S in my arms.
He was fine, thankfully. I was a quivering wreck and in shock for several hours. "I" took over all kiddy duties whilst I hobbled around like an old dear. Resting made it worse, walking made it worse. A day later the doctor looked at it and said it might be a torn ligament and an orthroscopy may be needed if I am still in pain after a week. At the moment it feels like it is getting stronger every day. I can't afford to be out of action I have too many things I need to do. "I" has been very good coming to my rescue. We were even walking arm in arm round the shops today. What with his bad shoulder and my dodgy left knee we are a right couple....................
It seems like such a bad run of luck for me personally of late. I must regain my positive thinking and pick up The Secret again to read. I am sure it will help my state of mind. Think good thoughts and good things will happen. I guess I have been thinking bad thoughts too often and that is what is happening.

Home Alone

Just realised that "I" is working 7 days this week. At least he has some days of next week. It is hard on my own with the children for that length of time, I have great respect for single parents. Things can get very tough with them vying for my attention all the time. Took them to the library today to see a Magic show and balloon blowers. They enjoyed it, although the new toy library was open and they enjoyed that more. V and S were in the little tikes car that they play with at nursery, we will have to get one for them one day. Will have to the library more often I used to take V all the time as a baby but now S is up and moving about I am running in two different directions which is not easy. Guess I let Daddy take them when he is around.
S is still miserable with his teeth coming through I hope they come through a bit quicker as he is awful with it. Ma's birthday tomorrow and I managed to make her a card at craft group this week, quite proud of it, hope she likes it.

Mixed Emotions

Went to hospital yesterday and V's doctor says the hole is closing, so to wait for 1 year before making any decisions on reconstruction. I was so surprised given I am always touching her head and cannot feel or see any change. Also given the fact that they said it will never close naturally it feels like a small miracle is happening.
I am happy that we do not have to make the decision, but part of me for some reason is feeling sad about this to. It is something I find hard to explain. I guess you could say that the decision has been made for us. Mother nature saw to it for us.

It was a long day and neither child went to sleep until after 9pm. This morning they woke at 8am! That has not happened in a very long time. I even had time to make them an omelette before taking V to nursery!

Today is like any other...

I guess she thought it was face cream but she smeared it all over her face and hair. I was not impressed by this at all.....
So this evening I washed yoghurt out of Vs hair and replaited it again.....hard work as I only did it last night. Thankfully she was very patient and only started to moan at the end. I always make sure she has lots of books to read whilst I am doing it as it is a bit boring for her. Big day tomorrow at hospital.
Only one hair pulling incident today and S in tears and his hair a mess....will have to do his hair tomorrow now, wish "I" could plait hair to give me a hand sometimes. S is still teething and miserable with it! He has learnt how to dance like IgglePiggle which is very funny as he thinks he is cool! Except he dances like this all the time.